Valentine’s Day. That sneaky holiday is among us already, but what does it mean to celebrate this Hallmark holiday about love and relationships at a school that’s basically 80 percent female? From my treetop observations, it means different things for different people. And to kick off my new advice column, I’m going to break down who these people are, and how to deal with them without eating red velvet cupcakes until your frustration subsides.
The Grinches: You know exactly who I’m talking about. Pink and red? Girl, please. These people are wearing black and gray, or worse, black on black. Valentine’s Day? Excuse me, I think you mean Thursday. They want this day over with, and they want it over with now. Their heart has yet to grow two sizes.
How to deal with them: These people are best avoided until Friday, or later, depending on how resentful they are of everyone around them. Unless, of course, you’re a Grinch too, in which case misery loves company (even if they resent love).
The New Couples: Valentine’s Day is THE BEST to these people. Every Hallmark card directly relates to their relationship—even the ones with old people on the front. The new puppy love couples are the ones crying in movie theaters. Or, rather, the girl is crying at Nicholas Sparks’ story, and the boy is pretending he’s not crying (we know you’re sensitive) while reflecting on what a great decision it was to use meal swipes at Lakeside instead of paying for a real date.*
(*Note: Do not do this.)
How to deal with them: Avoid. Seriously, just avoid them. Don’t go see the same movie as them, don’t ask a new couple what their plans are, just don’t.
The More Seasoned Couples: These guys know what’s up. This is not their first rodeo with Feb. 14. They probably do something cute and casual — movie night, home-cooked dinner, that sort of thing. Good on them.
How to deal with them: No advice necessary. These are the good guys, unless they treat Valentine’s Day the same way the new couples do. In which case, why do you hang around them again?
How to deal in general: If you’re part of a couple, then that’s you — and you should know how to deal with yourself. If you’re not, find something fun to do with friends — believe me, more people than you are single. This is not the 1 percent.
If all you singletons out there are looking to play the blame game for being single on Valentine’s Day, shake your angry fist in the general direction of Elon Admissions. It’s not your fault you got accepted to what’s becoming an all-girls school — it’s theirs.
In the meantime, Happy Valentine’s Day! Kindly remember wearing every shade of pink and red that exists on the color spectrum does not mean you match, and if you really love someone, it’s not necessary to visually force how much you love them on the rest of the world.
XOXO,
Gossip Squirrel
Want advice on roommates, friends, enemies, frenemies, boys, girls and whatever else might worry your pretty little heads? Then good news! This column is now weekly. E-mail your problems and questions to elongossipsquirrel@gmail.com.